# Thursday, 26 February 2015

Great advice from Mark Twain

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt

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# Sunday, 23 September 2012

Loquacious updated

Avid readers of this blog (well, I can dream can’t I?) may recall that almost a year ago to the day I added a blog post about Loquacious, a fancy word picker for Windows that allows you to paste long and pointless words into your emails (or whatever) with minimal effort.

This program amused me, and I have been adding words to it over the past year. One problem is that I can never remember what word I want, which means I would need to read down the list to find it. The other problem is that I like to do things quickly, and I wanted to be able to pick a word with the minimum number of keystrokes possible. The version I posted last year allows you to type a letter, and it will highlight the first word in the list that begins with that letter. However, if you have a lot of words beginning with (say) “s” then you have to use the down arrow to get to the one you want, which can be a bit painful. I rarely have the patience for reading the list or repeated clicking, so don’t use it as much as I would like.

I decided that it would be far more useful if you could search for words using more than one letter, and also search the definitions. Enter... loquacious version 2 (drum roll please).

Loquacious version 2

As you can see, a text box has been added at the top, which you can use for searching. When you first start loquacious, it behaves exactly as before, so typing a letter will highlight the first word in the list that begins with that letter. However, if you type Ctrl-f (“f” for “find”), then the focus is put in the text box, and you can type more letters. The list of words below will be filtered to include only those containing the letters you type. This includes the definitions, so it allows you to search for a word by its meaning.

At any time, you can click either the Tab key or Ctrl-w to set the focus back into the list of words, allowing you to move up or down the list with the arrow keys, or press Enter/Return to choose the word. If you press Enter/Return when in the text box, then the first word in the list will be chosen. As before, clicking the Esc key closes loquacious without choosing anything.

You can download loquacious by clicking here. See the previous post for instructions on how to install it.

I hope this is useful. Feel free to leave me any feedback or comments. Who knows, I might release version 3 in a year’s time!

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# Sunday, 25 September 2011

Are you a lover of fine words? If so, read on my sesquipedalian friend!

A pointless, but amusing program for those who like long words

Those who know me are used to the fact that i find it hard to use one word when ten will do, or a short one when a long one is perfectly sufficient. I blame my mother who gave me all manner of fine books to read when I was a boy!

Anyway, I have long enjoyed peppering my speech, and indeed e-mails and blog posts, with unnecessarily long and obscure words. This amuses me, and confuses others! Being a programmer by profession, and a tinkerer by nature, I decided some time ago to write myself a small application for my computer, which could pop up with ease and help me insert lovely words into whatever I was typing. This gave me great (if childish) satisfaction.

Perhaps I’m foolish for doing this, but I decided to release this little program to the unsuspecting world. If you would like to spice up your e-mails, you can download it from here (Note that this works on Windows only). It consists of two files, the program itself, and a file that contains the words. Put these two files somewhere safe, for example in a folder called “Loquacious” in your “My Documents” folder.

When you are typing, and you want a nice word, call up the program and choose one from the list. When it is selected, click the Enter key and the window will close. If your e-mail (or whatever) was the last window open, then the word will automatically be pasted in. If not, go back to your e-mail and click Ctrl-v (or choose Paste from the Edit menu if you prefer).

The main Loquacious window

Note that as I am a keyboard fan, and use the mouse as little as possible, I wrote this program to be keyboard friendly. This means that it doesn’t really use the mouse, and if you try double-clicking a word, nothing will happen. I know this is easy to do, I just never got around to it!

A quick way to start the program

If you are using Vista or Windows 7, you can make this even easier. When the program is running, look for the icon on the taskbar, it looks like a yellow submarine…

My taskbar, showing the Loquacious icon fifth from the left

Right-click on the yellow submarine, and from the little menu that pops up, choose “Pin this program to taskbar” (I know, they missed out the word “the” in that sentence. Don’t blame me, I didn’t write Windows!).

The pop-up window that allows you to pin programs to the taskbar

This will leave the Loquacious icon on the taskbar, even after you close it. Now, when you want to start Loquacious, you can click the little yellow submarine on your taskbar and it will start. Much quicker eh? But wait, it gets better…

An even quicker way to use it!

Now, here’s a little–known, but jolly clever trick for Vista and Windows 7 users (no, it doesn’t work in XP, I tried it!). If you hold down the Windows key on your keyboard, and press the number 1 on the numbers across the keyboard, it will open up which ever program is the first one pinned to the taskbar. in my case, that would be the program with the red icon with the two plus signs you can see above. If you choose Windows+2, you get the second icon (mine would be the purple and white “N”0 and so on. This is a great way to open your favourite programs quickly.

Now, if you drag the Loquacious icon towards the left end of the taskbar, so that it is one of the first nine icons (ignore the Start button, that doesn’t count), then you will be able to open it by clicking Windows+5 (in my case, your number will depend where you put the little yellow submarine).

The benefit of all this is that inserting words becomes very quick when you are typing. For example…

  1. Whilst typing an e-mail, you want to insert a nice word, so you click Windows+5. Up pops Loquacious.
  2. You use the arrows keys to move up and down, or type a letter to jump to the first word that starts with that letter. Do this until you find the word you want.
  3. Press the Enter key on your keyboard. Loquacious closes, and inserts the chosen word in your e-mail.

Can’t get much easier than that eh! If you decide not to insert a word, press the Esc key (usually in the top left corner of your keyboard) to close Loquacious without inserting.

Adding and deleting words

To add a new word, just open Loquacious and press Ctrl-a. This will pop up a small window where you can add a new word and its meaning. To delete a word, choose it in the main list and click either the Del key or the BackSpace key (often just has a left-pointing arrow).

I hope this program amuses you. If so, please leave a comment and tell me (politely) what you thought of it. Just click the “Comments” link below.

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Speed of light

Apparently, scientists have now decided that they may have managed to accelerate particles to a speed that exceeds the speed of light – something that dear old Einstein stated was impossible according to the laws of physics.

Now, not wishing to embarrass the eminent scientists around the world, and especially not at that august institution known as CERN, where it all seems to have originated, so I will refrain from commenting on the subject directly, but will merely quote an appropriate little ditty…

There was a young lady named Bright
who could travel much faster than light
She went out one day, in a relative way
and came back the previous night
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# Monday, 19 September 2011

Nice story that probably isn’t true, but is cute enough to be true!

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

Yes sir, I understand your concern and Ill try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?

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# Thursday, 15 September 2011

They didn’t really mean that did they?

I went across the road for mincha yesterday, and someone showed me an old siddur that had been left there. being interested in old seforim, I took a look, however, I wasn’t quite prepared for what I saw! The title page looked innocent enough at first glance…

An old siddur

Now you probably can’t read the small line of print above the word “Radelheim” (which I assume was the town where it was printed), so here’s a close-up of that bit…

A close-up of the small print

Well, at least they were honest about it!

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# Sunday, 11 September 2011

Brilliant e-commerce site!

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4th, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands.

Take a look at HEMA's product page - just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. Don’t click on any of the items in the picture, just wait.

http://producten.hema.nl/

This company has a sense of humour and a great computer programmer who has too much time on his hands!

P.S. Before anyone e-mails me to tell me that this isn’t the real catalogue page – I KNOW, I just thought it was funny enough to share.

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Who is it?

OK, this is a bit weird, but it works! If you look at the picture below, you’ll hopefully recognise it as someone pretty famous.

Who is it?

Now, stand as far back from the screen as you can, and look again. Who is it now?

If you can’t see the difference, don’t worry about it! If you can, please tell me how they did it!

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# Tuesday, 02 August 2011

News to make you kvell, Fred Flintstone was Jewish!

Fred Flintstone

I know you can’t believe everything you read, but some things are just so enticing that you can’t bring yourself to question them. I just discovered that the man who did the voice for Fred Flintstone was Jewish! Apparently the man behind the Fred Flintstone was one Alan Reed, born in 1907 as Edward Bergman, who based Fred’s voice on the mannerisms of his zeide from Galitzia, and the arguments he had with his Litvak father (as someone commented, mixed marriages didn’t go down well even in those days!).

Ah, doesn’t it make you shlep nachas that such a fundamental part of our misspent youth was One Of Us? Maybe not, but it’s an interesting bit of trivia!

Read more at Fred Flintstone: A Stone Age Star With A Jewish Voice.

Interestingly enough, the man who voiced Barney Rubble (Fred Flintstone’s next door neighbour for those too young to remember the Flintstones) was Mel Blanc, who was also Jewish. However, as he also did the voices for Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig (somewhat incongruous, but business is business!), Sylvester the cat, Tweety Pie, Foghorn Leghorn, and, well, just about every Hanna-Barbera cartoon character going, I suppose it’s not so surprising that he was behind Barney Rubble as well.

Back with more irrelevant, pointless news right after this commercial break…

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# Thursday, 21 July 2011
# Monday, 14 March 2011

Albert Einstein on computers

“Computers are incredibly fast, accurate and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination.” — Albert Einstein

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# Thursday, 24 February 2011

Churchill had more sense than most managers and executives!

I saw an extract from Winston Churchill's speech at the reopening of the Parliament chambers that were rebuilt after being damaged during the London raids in World War II.

He noted that the same measurements were used in the rebuilding as in the original, that the main room was just as uncomfortable as before... thus making it difficult for oratory and discussion to drift far from the points that were important to discuss. He stated that Parliament's cramped quarters were perhaps the greatest single material contribution to efficient British governmental decision making.

I can think of a few executives in various parts of industry who would do well to listen to those words!

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# Sunday, 26 December 2010

Schoolchildren today know nothing!

As usual, I have no idea if any of these are real, but I have my suspicions! They are supposedly genuine pieces of information, as written by children at school.

School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
School kids today know nothing
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# Monday, 20 December 2010

Yorkshiremen jokes

Being a true born and bred Yorkshireman, I can testify to the veracity of the following true stories (ahem).

If you don't know the Yorkshire accent, you probably won't find these very funny. Mind you, even if you do know the accent you might not find them funny!

True story from Yorkshire #1

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Eyup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' me."

True story from Yorkshire #2

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of me dead dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bat!"

True story from Yorkshire #3

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "Here lies Adele, she wor' a grand lass" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "Here lies Adele, she wor' a grand lass"

The Yorkshireman shouts "Yer a gormeless tatie, you've left the 'e' out!"

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the 'e' on the stone for you..."

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "Here lies Adel, eeh she wor' a grand lass"

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# Sunday, 07 November 2010

Puns, puns and more puns

OK, so none of these are particularly new, and some of them aren't that funny, but they amused me, so I thought I'd bore you lot with them.

  • The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head"
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass"
  • The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  • If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
  • A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger"
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  • There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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# Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Proofreading is a Dying Art...

I offer these with more than the usual bucket of salt. They are supposed to be genuine newspaper headlines. As usual, I make no claims as to their veracity, but I can sure believe them!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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# Monday, 19 April 2010

Cute quote from Thomas Edison

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas A. Edison

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# Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Words fail me

My mother just told me that a woman put an ad in her local Job Centre for reliable domestic staff and she was told she had to remove the world "reliable" as it discriminated against unreliable women.

I refrain from comment.

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# Monday, 09 November 2009

Happy birthday blog

I just noticed that my blog is four years, seven weeks and one day old :)

My very first blog post was entitled Brand new blog - will anyone read it?, and I think the answer was “No.”

Thank you for reading, if indeed you are. I may be typing to empty space for all I know.

Whilst I was perusing, I discovered that Geocities has finally given up and closed down, taking the original version of the PSG web site with it. last updated in about 1998, this was my first foray into the world of Internet self-publication (which is all that personal web sites and blogs are really). If you’re really bored, you can see an archive of the PSG web site circa 8th Oct 1999 on the Way Back When Machine, which is a great place to waste an hour or two, as it stores archives of web sites from years gone by.

I also discovered that the “contact us” page on the main PSG web site doesn’t work any more! Oh well, I guess those that know us know our e-mail address, and those that don’t are mostly trying to spam us anyway :)

See you in another four years, seven weeks and one day :-)

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If it says so in the paper, it must be true!

I have no idea if these are genuine, or done by someone with too much time and an image editing program on his hands, but they look fairly convincing, and are stupid enough to be true!

We present what might be some genuine classified adverts and “they didn’t mean that did they?” articles...

























































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# Thursday, 22 October 2009
# Tuesday, 01 September 2009

Ellul recall notice

Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."

Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy

The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Hashem, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required.

The number to call in for repair in all areas is: PRAYER.

Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Hashem, into the "heart" component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.

WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.

Thank you for your immediate attention.

Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.

Have an uplifting Chodesh Elul!

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# Tuesday, 25 August 2009

A letter to Mum

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, “Mum.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren .

Love, your son, Nicholas.

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home

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# Monday, 24 August 2009

Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science: (Gv)

Note: If you’ve read the Dull Men’s Club post, then this is the age-old joke that was mentioned at the beginning of it. I know it’s old, but it’s pretty good all the same. There are a few variations going around, but this one seems to be the most comprehensive.

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons...

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron's promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Dull Men’s Club

I was just sent a brand new, up-to-the-minute joke e-mail, and wanted to check if it was decades old as I suspected, or merely just a few years old instead. Whilst wasting more time than I have available, I came across one of the best web sites I’ve seen in a long time. The Dull Men’s Club is dedicated to all things dull and ordinary, and is well worth spending a few hours reading.

Amongst some of the prime content, is a page dedicated to dull collections and museums. This info and links for some museums that you would never have believed existed. My favourite is the (apparently) World Famous Asphalt Museum, which contains samples of asphalt from all over the world!

Even better is the amazingly useful list of airport luggage carousels, which lists loads of luggage carousels around the world and - sit down before reading this – tells you which way they rotate! I can’t believe I’ve been on this planet for so long and lived without this information!

The web was made for this kind of site!

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# Sunday, 26 July 2009

Fun things to do with a leek – and you can eat them as well!

some leeks todayChana Liba was looking in the fridge for some fruit just now. Obviously confused, she asked “Hey, what’s that?

What’s what?” I replied (yeah, we have very deep conversations in our house!)

That big green thing that’s white on the end” she replied.

With all the intuition of a mother, I replied “It’s a leek.” (Shakespeare would have been sooooo jealous of dialogue like this :-))

As she was still looking rather blank, I asked “Do you know what it’s for?” which elicited a slow shake of the head.

I went over to the fridge, and removed the rather oversized leek from the shelf. Holding it carefully at the white end, I proceeded to thwack her gently on the tochus several times, whilst explaining that this was what a leek was for.

For some odd reason, this turned out to be the funniest thing she had experienced for some time, and she burst into uncontrollable fits of giggles. This of course encouraged me even more, and so began the Great Smile Gemach Leek Thwacking Event.

I chased her around the house, thwacking her whenever I could, whilst she tried (not very hard) to escape. After I was all puffed out, she grabbed the leek and started thwacking me! Shayna Brocho, not wishing to be outdone, grabbed it off her and started thwacking both of us. Simcha, not quite sure what the fun was all about, but not wishing to miss a moment, came hurtling down the hall after us, and the four of us ended up running around the house, and outside into the courtyard. Thwacking a few surprised-looking small children along the way, we made our way around the courtyard and back into the house, taking turns to grab the leek and get thwacking.

This went on for some time, until we all finally ran out of breath and flopped back in our chairs (we were supposed to be eating at this time). The leek, looking somewhat worse for the experience, went back into the fridge, and would have remained there, except that Shayna Brocho decided it was time for some more thwacking! She grabbed it and started bashing me over the bonce with it. This of course started the whole thing off again, resulting in several more rounds of leek thwacking.

By this time, several sections of leek had become somewhat detached from their original place of repose, and were used as secondary thwackers by those not in charge of the main instrument of thwackeration. This allowed Mummy and Nechoma Bryna to fall victim to the Zealous Leek Thwackers of Salford (or the Zltos as they didn’t become known).

Maybe this wasn’t what Hashem had in mind when He invented the leek, but it’s rare that four people can have so much fun for 70p! Visit your local supermarket and enquire about large sized leeks, you won’t regret it :-)

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# Thursday, 23 July 2009

Latest Jewish words

Well, whilst I was cleaning out my inbox of long-forgotten joke-bearing e-mails, I came across this collection of new Jewish words. Bet you haven’t heard of some of these eh? See how many you can work into the conversation over the next few days :-)

  • Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
  • Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
  • Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate xmas.
  • Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
  • Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
  • Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
  • Déjà Nu (n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
  • Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
  • Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.
  • Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bas Mitzvah.
  • Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. Also what bagels are made of.
  • Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.
  • Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
  • Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.
  • Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn (you have to be a certain age to get this one!)
  • Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
  • Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
  • Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
  • Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
  • Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
  • Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
  • Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
  • Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork
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Keep out of the hospital!

It is claimed that these are sentences actually typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow. I have no proof for this, but thought they were funny enough to post anyway :-)

  1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 
  4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year..
  6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
  10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
  11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  12. She is numb from her toes down.
  13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  14. The skin was moist and dry.
  15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
  18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
  20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized..
  21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  22. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  24. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
  26. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  27. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
  32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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The Washington Post's neologism contest

Apparently, the Washington Post has an annual neologism contest, in which people are invited to modify existing words, and supply humorous meanings for them. I say “apparently” because if you search the web for it, you will find loads of pages describing it and giving some of the winners, but the WP’s own site is nowhere to be seen!

Anyway, here are some edited highlights of recent winners...

  1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  6. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
  7. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
  8. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  9. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
  10. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
  11. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  12. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  13. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  14. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  15. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  16. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  17. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  18. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
  19. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  20. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  21. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  22. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  23. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  24. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  25. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
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# Wednesday, 08 July 2009

Elmer J. Fudd runs Google?

I was just doing some research for a new job, and I noticed that on the main Google page there is a discrete link named “language tools.” As I was researching international versions of web sites in multiple languages, I clicked this to see what it was about.

I was not very surprised to see that the main feature of this page was to allow you to choose the language used when you use Google. I was a little surprised at the wide selection of languages, but assumed that this was due to the international nature of the web.

Looking a little closer, I noticed that one of the language choices was Elmer Fudd. For those of you who don’t remember him, Elmer J Fudd (to give him his full title) was the little bald-headed hunter who used to chase Bugs Bunny around, calling “Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits.” Well, if you click the link, all the text you see in Google is written as though EJF had spoken it! So you can set your Pwefewences, or look at their Diwectowy!

If that doesn’t appeal to you, you can choose the bork bork bork language. Again, for those who don’t remember, this was the battle cry of the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show.

Other language choices include Klingon (the evil enemies from Star Trek), Pirate (avast there ye landlubbers) and Yiddish. I know that last one isn’t a joke, but it amused me.

Brightens up an otherwise overcast day :-)

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# Tuesday, 07 July 2009

The Fisherman

A fisherman observed a snake swimming towards his boat.

When the snake reached the boat the fisherman could see that he had a frog in his mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog he reached down and carefully removed it from the snake’s mouth and set it free.

But then, feeling sorry for the snake he looked around to see what he could give him. He found a bottle of whisky, poured a capful and gave it to the snake.

The snake then swam away.

The fisherman was feeling content with his good deeds, when about ten minutes later he heard a knocking at the side of the boat.

When he looked over the side he saw the snake had returned… this time with two frogs in his mouth!

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# Wednesday, 01 July 2009

EEC regulations are bananas!

Apparently, there are now EEC regulations governing the bend of a banana! It’s true, and you can read them for yourself, if you can be bothered wading through all the big words! They were drawn up by the (wait for it…) Management Committee for Bananas, and include such gems as “The thickness of a transverse section of the  fruit between the lateral faces and the middle perpendicular to the  longitudinal axis, must be a minimum of 27mm” amongst others!

I’m so glad our money is being well spent!

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# Monday, 22 June 2009

Atheist day

I have no idea if this really is true or not, but it’s cute enough to be worth reading even if it’s totally made up!

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honour, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Xmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Chanukka, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honour, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

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# Sunday, 21 June 2009
# Monday, 18 May 2009

The origins of man (and woman)

A little girl asked her mother: “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”

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# Monday, 06 April 2009
# Sunday, 22 March 2009

Pearl of (fruity) wisdom

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.

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# Tuesday, 03 March 2009

Revealed: The secrets of belly button fluff

In what must be the ultimate exercise in navel-gazing, an Austrian scientist has solved the mystery of belly button fluff

After three years of research, Georg Steinhauser, a chemist, has discovered a type of body hair that traps stray pieces of lint and draws them into the navel.

Dr Steinhauser made his discovery after studying 503 pieces of fluff from his own belly button.

Chemical analysis revealed the pieces of fluff were not made up of only cotton from clothing. Wrapped up in the lint were also flecks of dead skin, fat, sweat and dust.

Dr Steinhauser's observations showed that 'small pieces of fluff first form in the hair and then end up in the navel at the end of the day'.

Writing in the journal Medical Hypotheses, he said the scaly structure of the hair enhances the 'abrasion of minuscule fibres from the shirt' and directs the lint towards the belly button.

"The hair's scales act like a kind of barbed hooks," he said. "Abdominal hair often seems to grow in concentric circles around the navel."

The researcher, from Vienna University of Technology also asked friends, family and workmates about their own belly button fluff.

Dr Steinhauser established that shaving one's belly will result in a fluff-free navel - but only until the hairs grow back.

Other suggestions for keeping the navel fluff-free include wearing old clothes, as they tend to shed less lint than newer garments, which can lose up to one thousandth of their weight to the belly button over the course of a year.

A body piercing can also be used, with belly button rings particularly effective at sweeping away fibres before they lodge.

Dr Steinhauser, whose other projects have included monitoring the erosion of his wedding ring, said: "The question of the nature of navel fluff seems to concern more people than one would think at first glance.

"We hope we have been able to provide information for doctors when they are next confronted with the simple question of 'why some belly buttons collect so much lint and others do not'."

An earlier, Australian study of samples from 5,000 people concluded the typical carrier of navel fluff to be 'a slightly overweight middle-aged male with a hairy abdomen'.

Researcher Karl Kruszelnicki said: "The reason it is usually blue is that we mostly wear blue or grey trousers, often jeans, and when these rub against the body, the fibres often end up finding their way to the navel."

Not all belly button fluff is blue however. In the curious case of Australian hospital worker Graham Barker much of his fluff is red, even though he rarely wears the colour.

Mr Barker has been collecting his own navel fluff in jars every day since 1984. The achievement has won him a place in the Guinness Book of Records for the world's largest collection of navel lint.

Reprinted without permission from The Telegraph web site.

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# Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Hey, grizzly bears can dance!

Just found a great article on the BBC web site. They managed to film a grizzly bear fishing, from underwater. Watch the first video on the page to see some fancy footwork as the bear tries to kick the fish into water shallow enough for it to grab it.

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# Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Stupid and pointless poem, but quite amusing!

'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober,
I was carting home a load with manly pride,
When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter,
Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say:
"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Then I heard a gentle mooing, it was like a pigeon cooing,
As a home returning cow stopped in her stride,
And her eyes were big and gentle; her expression sentimental,
As she curtsied low and sat down by my side.
Then I saw her eyelids flutter and a tear fell in the gutter,
As the owner of the cow did loudly say:
"Leave that brute this moment, Sonja, or your milk will curdle on ya,"
Then the cow got up and slowly walked away.

Then the moon began to shine in that old gutter I reclined in,
Thinking of the weakness of the human race,
When a dog sat down beside me, and I thought he came to chide me,
Till he gently licked the stubble on my face.
In the gutter, still reclining, I began "Sweet Adeline-ing,"
While the dog raised up his head to loudly bay;
Then his mistress said, "Come, Fido, that disgusting man may bite you,"
Then the dog got up and slowly walked away.

Down the street there came a clatter, and a gentle pitter-patter,
As a pair of goats along the gutter ran;
And it seemed that Billy knew me, for he quickly drew up to me,
While his wife munched on an empty sardine can.
Then again my pulse did flutter, and my heart was soft as butter;
Till the Nanny goat, unto her mate, did say:
"William dear, your social status don't include men such as that is,"
Then the goat got up and slowly walked away.

Then I started in to mutter and I rose up from the gutter,
Then I sadly went about my lonely way;
I was weary, sick and busted; I was really quite disgusted,
And I vowed to sign the pledge that very day.
For each humble, lowly creature, a great lesson he can teach ya,
Like the one learned while I in the gutter lay;
In the tavern, do not tarry, when you've got all you can carry,
But take up your load and slowly walk away.

Now lately I've been thinking that I will quit my drinking.
I'm going to leave off whiskey, beer and grog,
For there's no consolation, but only aggravation,
You can't even find friendship with a hog.

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# Monday, 26 January 2009

Two cute comments

I had to share these with you, they're just sooooo cute!

Simcha and the frogs

We were sitting at the Shabbos table, and Simcha was on my knee. I was asking her about the sedra, and telling her all about the plague of frogs. I said that when Paro (Pharaoh) woke up, he found frogs in his bed, frogs on his head, etc. I kept going on about there being frogs in his dinner, frogs in his shoes and so on. Unbeknown to Simcha, I had hidden a green plastic frog in the bowl of Smarties that was on the table in front of us.

As I worked my way through the list of places were frogs could be found, I pushed the dish of Smarties under her nose, so that she could see the frog, and asked "And what was in Paro's Smarties?"

After a moment's thought, her face lit up and she shouted "CHOCOLATE!"

Who made the snow?

After hearing the above cute story, someone else at the table said that she had heard another cute one from a family who live very near us. They have triplets, around the same age as Simcha. One day, one of the triplets was looking out of the window at the snow. Turning to her mother, the little girl asked "Mummy, who made all that?"

Her mother answered "Hashem did," to which the little girl replied "Well, I hope he's going to clear it up then!"

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# Monday, 08 December 2008

These are hilarious! Real sci-fi movie trailers from the 1950s

OK, so I admit I was wasting time. As I was driving to the hospital, I noticed a poster on a bus stop, advertising the imminent release of a remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still, which was one of my favourite 1950s sci-fi films (back in the days when I used to watch such things). Curious as to what they had done with it, I had a look at the web site. Predictably, this led to YouTube (doesn't it always), and the inevitable wasting of time watching videos.

Anyway, along the way, I came across the trailers for two sci-fi films from the 1950s, which were so awful as to be very funny. I have never heard of either of these two films, but judging by the trailers, I don't think many people would have!

Watch the trailer for The Giant Claw if you dare! If you can stop laughing at that one, watch the trailer for Robot Monster and guffaw some more!

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# Monday, 24 November 2008

Cyberspamalot!

Anyone who was ever a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, as well as Dr Who will find this hysterical...

For those not in the know, the song is from the Monty Python film, and was sung by a load of medieval knights in the castle of Camelot (King Arthur's castle). The lyrics are excellent if you can make them out ("It's a busy life in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam a lot"). The video is a collection of bits from recent Dr Who films featuring the deadly Cybermen.

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# Monday, 15 September 2008

PSG children video

I just discovered Animoto, which is a great site that allows you to upload some pictures, choose some music and create a 30-second video. Here was my first attempt...

Not bad for about two minutes' effort!

For those that love YouTube, you can watch it there instead.

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# Thursday, 07 August 2008

New born baby care - the right way and the wrong way

I just came across this lovely article on the right and wrong way to look after a baby. Even if you're not interested in babies, have a look at the Right/Wrong pictures, they're really funny!

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# Thursday, 17 July 2008

Alien abduction - or not! Mobile 'phones are evil

Alien Abduction

Yes, I was messing, but it was worth it! I just came across this video. Well worth watching right to the end.


Click the little triangle in the lower left corner of the player above, not the big triangle in the middle.

Mobile 'phones are evil

This second video is weird. If you have a mobile 'phone, you must watch this and realise that you are letting evil into your life...

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# Thursday, 03 July 2008

Would this make YOU stop drinking?

My father-in-law just sent me this. Apparently, it was a poster displayed in 1919, just before prohibition started...

Lips That Touch Liquor Shall Not Touch Ours

Would that make YOU give up the evil drink? Not much incentive eh?

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# Wednesday, 02 July 2008

Erm, someone's idea of world domination is a bit out here!

I was just trying to find out the name of the rivers that flow around Baghdad, as I am doing a map of ancient Bovel, including the location of Shushan (as in the Purim story). I thought that Google Maps would be a good place to look.

I loaded it up, typed "Baghdad" in the search box, clicked the button and was shown a map of... North America!

Does someone know something I don't?

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# Sunday, 29 June 2008

Punishing a scammer

I suspect that I am not the only one who has had at least one e-mail in the past offering me a tempting offer to help out a certain Rev.Nicholas Okorie in Nigeria, who promises large amounts of money in return for some help in retrieving the estate of a dead relative (or similar, there are many variations).

Well, it seems that someone decided to teach him a lesson. I have no idea if this is genuine, or someone's wishful thinking, but it's worth reading "The mark of a moron," which chronicles how someone apparently gave him a taste of his own medicine.

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# Monday, 05 May 2008

The Massachusetts Turnpike Experiment

I just discovered a very funny write-up of an experiment that someone supposedly carried out on the Massachusetts turnpike. I have no idea if this is genuine, nor when it was done (if at all), but I thought it was funny enough to be true, and worth a couple of minutes' reading time.

Read the first part of the experiment here, then click the link at the bottom of the page to read the second, third and fourth instalments.

P.S. If you're really out of touch with reality like me, you might also wonder who or what Mariah Carey is. For anyone equally isolated from what the rest of the world likes to call Reality, it appears that Mariah Carey is a female humanoid who makes money by exercising her vocal chords in public. I know nothing more, and do not wish to either!

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# Sunday, 13 April 2008

The ultimate gift for Pesach

For the person who has everything, a Pesach toilet seat...

For the person who has everything, a Pesach toilet seat
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# Monday, 07 April 2008

Hey, I can speak Polish!

Our cleaner just arrived. Like most cleaners around here, she is Polish. As the Boss was busy frying fish balls for the forthcoming Yom Tov, I let the cleaner in.

I never realised how many words of Polish I knew...

She asked for a shmatter, and then asked if we wanted her to do some Pesach cleaning!

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# Sunday, 23 March 2008

Chuckling eggs

When I was a boy (cue "old time" music and black-and-white photos of men in flat caps), my mum used to make fried eggs for supper sometimes. She used to call me over to listen to the sound of the eggs frying in the pan. It's worth frying eggs just for this alone, as they make a lovely, soothing sound, which she used to call "chuckling eggs."

Tonight, as the Boss was making supper, she cracked some eggs into a bowl to make fried eggs. Without any fiddling at all, the eggs landed in the bowl like this...

OK, maybe it's my imagination, but if those eggs aren't smiling, then my name isn't George Smith.

Erm, wait a sec...

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# Thursday, 14 February 2008

Star Wars meets classical music - Lego style!

I can't resists Star Wars stuff, especially when done with flair and humour. This one-minute film combines all of those...

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# Thursday, 07 February 2008

Technology for country folk

I've been cleaning my mailbox, and have found some amusing attachments that had escaped my eye. I liked this one...

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No, this isn't a joke, and yes, it's real!

Seen (not by me) in a supermarket last December...

The sad thing is that the supermarket were probably very proud of themselves for this idea!

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# Thursday, 24 January 2008

The Japanse are mad! Human Tetris!

Just to prove that the British aren't the only nation with their share of crazy people, just watch the Japanese trying to play Human Tetris...

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# Monday, 22 October 2007

Some well-painted trucks

The pictures below are all supposedly of trucks that have been painted to look like the side are missing, so you can see the contents. I'm fairly convinced that these are not real, but are rather the product of some imaginative work with an image editor, but I thought they were still funny enough to share...













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# Wednesday, 12 September 2007

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, killed any?"

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Mary Lou

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

She looked satisfied and apologised.

Three days later he was sitting in his chair reading again when she whacked him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he came round, he asked, "What was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."

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# Sunday, 09 September 2007

Eggy soliders

Is it just me, or does everyone have fond memories of eggy soliders? For those not in the know, this is when you get soft boiled eggs, and you cut toast into long slices. These slices are dipped in the soft yolk of the egg and eaten.

No, I have no idea why they are called "soldiers," but they always were, and it seems they still are. How do I know? Simple? Someone has invented a cute device for making perfect soldiers.

Ah, this is what modern technology is all about!

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# Monday, 27 August 2007

Another good way to waste the afternoon!

I just came across what has to be one of the simplest, yet funniest little games going. Called Line Rider, the idea is that you draw a line along the screen, then watch a little man on a sledge whizz down it.

Doesn't sound very exciting huh? Just try it! It's rare that these sorts of things make me laugh out loud, but this sure did! So tell me it's cruel to laugh out loud when a little computer man flies off his sledge and lands head-first on the ground. Tell me it's not a nice way to get your kicks. Tell me all you like, but it sure is funny all the same!

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# Monday, 20 August 2007

Good way to waste, erm I mean spend the afternoon

Whilst doing some real work (gasp), I came across this great web page where you can make your own sand art picture. It's simple, but fun!

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# Saturday, 04 August 2007

Torah - it's the Real Thing!

I had a unique experience on Shabbos morning. For security reasons, the sefer Torah that had been brought to the family camp where we are staying was not kept in the makeshift beis medrash, but was kept in someone's flat. Due to restrictions with the extent of the eiruv, we had most of the davenning in the beis medrash, but the leining in the foyer of the flats. In order to get a good position, I went onto the balcony directly over the bima, so I was not only able to see and hear the leining clearly, but had an unusual view. I have never watched leining from almost directly above before, but it gave a whole new angle (pardon the pun) on it.

When hagba was done, the person who had raised the sefer Torah sat down on a chair that had been placed in the most conveninent position, which happened to be directly between two Coke machines. It was an interesting juxtaposition, the holiness of a sefer Torah, surrounded by the epitome of the materialistic Western world.

It brought a new meaning to the words "It's the Real Thing" - although not the ones the Coke people had in mind!

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# Friday, 20 July 2007

Beware of the penguins

I just love this picture!

penguins and polar bear

Whilst we're on the subject of polar bears, anyone care to dance?

Fancy a dance?
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Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors... everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. There was fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

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# Thursday, 19 July 2007

Levels of alert in various European countries

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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# Wednesday, 04 July 2007

An Israeli Tourist in London

An Israeli recently arrived at London's Heathrow airport. As he went through passport control, the customs officer asked him, "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replied "No, just visiting!"

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# Tuesday, 03 July 2007

The computer swallowed grandma - a poem

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely! ,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

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# Monday, 02 July 2007

A very wise observation

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
H.L. Mencken, 1880-1956

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# Monday, 25 June 2007

Argus Hamilton on Britain's role in the war

"Thank G-d Mother England is with us on this venture. She may not have a very large army, but she's got four million soccer fans no nation wants to face."

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Foreigners eh, what do they know?

Whilst tidying my desk (which was last done sometime around the Crimean War judging by the amount of rubbish piled up on it), I came across these gems that had been gathered from around the world...

On a packet of convenience food from Italy: "Besmear a backing pan previously buttered with a good tomato sauce, and after, dispose the cannelloni, lightly distanced between them in only a couch."

Erm, we couldn't have explained it better ourselves! Or could we? Just be glad you didn't encounter this one...

Warning to motorists in Tokyo: When a passenger of the foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passge, then tootle him with vigour."

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# Tuesday, 05 June 2007

Essential stuff for aging hippies

OK, I admit it, I'm old! I remember when this was hot news.

For those of you who are too young to remember, Focus were a Scandiavian progressive rock group, whose singer (Thyus Von Leer I think he was called) had the most amazing vocal range.

If you don't believe that manic electric guitars, a flute solo, several drum solos, whistling and (get this) yodelling (I kid you not) can blend together, you must watch this video.

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# Sunday, 03 June 2007

Slightly mathematical joke

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

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# Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Vegetable humour

Please note that no vegetables were hurt during the production of these pictures :-)

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# Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Perhaps not quite what they meant!

I sometimes wonder if people stop and read what they've written. I saw a learner driver this morning, having a lesson in a car belonging to a local driving school. The message proudly emblazened on the side of the car read "Crash course available."

They didn't really mean that did they?

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# Monday, 14 May 2007

Wise words from a clever chap

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one

Albert Einstein

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# Tuesday, 01 May 2007

Google's unique innovation in distributed computing

I just read about an amazing new innovation that Google developed for powerful computing. It's worth reading the article right to the end, and taking especial notice of the line in red right at the bottom.

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# Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Erm, surely some mistake here

The Boss went shopping today. She saw a dress that she thought might be suitable for Chana Liba. It was marked "age 3" and carried the warning "Not suitable for under 36 months."

So who's going to wear it then?

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# Monday, 23 April 2007

Nechoma Bryna's observation on younger brothers

When younger brothers are small, you could just eat them...

...When they're older, you wish you had!

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# Thursday, 19 April 2007

A moral story

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

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# Tuesday, 13 March 2007

Who says the art of fine writing is dead?

Apparently, the following quote appeared in the Washington Post. As usual, I no responsibility for the accuracy of this claim, but I hope it's true!

"...its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer."

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# Wednesday, 07 March 2007

Great site - how to build almost anything

I just came across a great site that tells you how to build almost anything. I found instructions for how to build a Jacob's Ladder (great toy that fascinates the adults too), a match rocket and loads more. See it for yourself.

Have fun!

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Nice one from English Heritage

Anyone living in England must have seen the blue signs that the English Heritage put up indicating places of (questionable) interest. I have no idea if this one is real or a clever piece of image manipulation, but I thought it was lovely!

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# Monday, 12 February 2007

Am I stupid or are they?

Seen on the web site of a telephone provider just now...

"Broadband free for first 6 months, thereafter no extra charge

Go on someone, explain that one!

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# Wednesday, 24 January 2007

An open letter to Ikea

Dear Mr Ikea,

I write to you in desperation. I realise that you place great importance on giving your customers value for money, but I really feel that in the interests of the Greater Good, you should increase your prices immediately.

You may feel that this is not in your best interests, but I am inclined to disagree. Your pricing structure is altogether too low, and this can, I fear, lead to domestic stress.

"Can we just pop to Ikea dear?" sounds like an innocent request, but beneath it lurks a dark danger. You wander around the shop and she says "Ooh look at that, that's very reasonable." You try and ignore it, but you can't.

"It would look really nice in the front room." - You try a few non-committal grunts, but these don't work either.

"That would be really useful for keeping all the children's toys off the floor." - You try distracting her by pointing out something obviously unsuitable for your home, but it fails.

Try as you might, you can't win. She's been hooked, and you aren't going to leave the shop until she's bought everything.

So you arrive home with a car packed full of huge innocent looking boxes. You can't ignore these boxes like you ignore all the other DIY jobs that she's been asking about for months. These boxes are too big. What's more, they are in the middle of the floor, and the baby is trying to eat them. You have no choice but to stay up until 1am building cupboards, positioning shelves and so on. That's not even the end of it though...

Once you have a new piece of furniture, she does insist on rearranging the entire room to be "more practical" or "give us some more space now we have that big cupbaord you just built" (like it's my fault?)

Please Ikea, put your prices up.

A Desperate (and tired) Husband

P.S. In fairness, I should point out that the instructions were easy enough for my ten-month old baby to understand...

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The Dynamics of Venus and Mars

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
 
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
 
And then there is silence in the car.
 
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
 
And Roger is thinking: Six months.
 
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
 
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way overdue for an oil change here.
 
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
 
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
 
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
 
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty, the cheaters.
 
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
 
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and tell them just what to do with it.
 
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
 
"What?" says Roger, startled.
 
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
 
"What?" says Roger.
 
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
 
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
 
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
 
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
 
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
 
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
 
"Yes," he says.
 
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
 
"What way?" says Roger.
 
"That way about time," says Elaine.
 
"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."
 
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
 
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
 
"Thank you," says Roger.
 
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
 
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
 
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
 
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
 
And that's the difference between men and women.

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Conversation Stopper (or the dinner conversation that went wrong)

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you re-marry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Oops!"

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# Sunday, 21 January 2007

Teachings of the Jewish Buddhists

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life:
With the first sip, joy.
With the second sip, satisfaction.
With the third sip, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. - Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.....What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy!

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals......You might want to see a specialist!...

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbour as yourself."
The Buddha says, "There is no self."
So, maybe we're off the hook.

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# Sunday, 17 December 2006

Wise words about wisdom

Neither of these are particularly new, but both are quite cute...

"Better to remain silent and appear a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt."

"Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

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# Thursday, 14 December 2006

How to waste hours and hours...

Just came across http://www.howstuffworks.com/, which is one of the most fascinating and compulsive sites I've seen in a while. Be warned, once you go there, you won't come back for a while!

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# Tuesday, 12 December 2006

Mohammed Sent Back To Earth To Apologise. Reads Post-It From God

The other day, we got a welcome call from a guy who claimed to be Mohammed. He said God sent him back to the earth with a Post-It note, and he wanted to come over and read it to us, so we could get it out over the Internet.

We were sure he was a kook, so, being securely sane, we invited him over.

Later, we got a call from the lobby, telling us there was a guy down there in a long white gown who identified himself as Mohammed but didn't have a photo ID.

"Sure, send him up," we told the guard.

Soon, there was a knock on the door. We opened it and, sure enough, there stood a man who looked just the way you'd expect a Seventh Century Bedouin like to look in clean clothes.

He raised his hand, and said, "Hi. I'm Mohammed. God sent me with a Post-It."

"Great," we replied. "Please, come in."

"Thanks."

We closed the door behind him and motioned toward the conference room.

As we went, I said, "Like something to drink?"

"Got some cold water?"

"Sure," I replied, and motioned for one of the secretaries to get it for him.

"Thanks," Mohammed said.

We went into the conference room and sat down.

He put his feet up on the seat next to him and sighed.

"Long walk?" I asked.

"Worse than that," he said, and slipped off his sandals. "See. Blisters."

"Ouch," I exclaimed. "How'd you get those?"

"The Post-It will explain everything," he replied.

Just then the secretary came in with a bottle of spring water.

"Here, Mohammed," she said.

"Thanks," he told her, and flipped her a wink. Then he opened it and, pouring it on his feet, said, "Excuse me. But I can't help it."

"That bad, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah. Sorry about the carpet."

"Don't worry, it's only water. Tell us more about why you're here."

"God is mad at me."

"So are a lot of people."

"I know, I know. But you have to understand. I've been dead a long time. I can't be responsible for what's going on now."

"You did write the book some culprets use as a pretense to kill people, even other Muslims."

"I know, I know. God points that out to me all the time. That's why I'm here. I'm sorry if anything I said is being used to kill people. It's an unintentional side-effect of my enthusiam."

Then he lifted his turban and peeled off a yellow Post-It from the inside. "I have a note from God. It will explain everything. "

"Really?"

"Yes. He told me to read it to you, so you can get it out over the Internet."

"Why did he pick us? We're a humor magazine."

"I told him that. He said since hardly anybody listens to Him when He's serious, He wants to try being funny."

"We know how that is. Mind if we record your reading?"

"Just type, OK? When I'm gone, I'm gone. No leave-behinds."

"OK," I said.

One of the staffers slid me a laptop.

"Go ahead," I told him.

"Hi, it's Mohammed again, with another message from Allah. And I quote:

'Greetings from God. I'm so upset I can't tell you. I told Mohammed to write the third book. The way things are going, I may even have to commission a fourth and fifth book. I can't seem to get my main point across.

'In the first book, I said, "Don't kill anybody." Did it make a difference? Not much.

'In the second book, I went further, and said, "Love your neighbor." It still didn't do nearly as well as I had hoped.

'So I commissioned Mohammed to give my message one more shot. And what happens? He gets carried away and says anybody who doesn't believe in his book is an infidel and should be killed. Stop it already! I never told him to say that, and he knows it.

'Not only that, every time somebody uses the Koran as an excuse to kill anybody, I make him walk on hot coals for five minutes. Notice his blisters. Have mercy on the guy, will ya?

'Also, wait for the fourth book. The main message I'm going to try is, "Not only don't kill anybody and love your neighbor, but love life, because that's what I made. So take good care of it and maybe, just maybe, I'll take good care of you. But, most of all, stop all the killing. Got it, dummy?"'

"Anything else?" I asked.

"No, that's it," he said, pouring the last of the water on his feet. "I only hope it works. My feet are killing me."

Then he slipped on his sandals, smiled as much as his tootsies would allow, and vanished.


(Found at http://www.goarticles.com/cgi-bin/showa.cgi?C=346602)
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# Tuesday, 21 November 2006

Gary's weather forecasting service

Why bother with complicated analysis of the atmosphere? The old methods still work the best...

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The original iPod

Just found this lurking around... the original iPod...

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# Monday, 20 November 2006

Irish flat screen TV

The very latest in technlogy from Ireland...

...and from the back...

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# Thursday, 26 October 2006

Welcome to Teaneck

Sent by a friend in Eretz Yisroel...

And before anyone bothers e-mailing me, yes I'm also sure it's a manipulated picture, not a real sign, but I thought it was funny OK?

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# Wednesday, 25 October 2006

Interesting 'phone call

4:20pm: The 'phone rang...

Hello, this is Anna from the Coca-Cola Corporation, just ringing to see if you want a soft drinks order this week.

Me: Pardon?

Anna: I'm just ringing to see if you want a soft drinks order this week.

Me: Why would I want one of those?

Anna: This is the Coca-Cola Corporation.

Me: Ye-e-e-s, and?

Anna: Well, do you want a soft drinks order this week.

Me: Do you always ring random members of the public asking this?

Anna: Isn't this the Red Lion Hotel?

Me: No.

Anna (highly embarrassed): Oh sorry, I must have dialled the wrong number, goodbye.

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# Tuesday, 24 October 2006

Shurely shome mishtake here?

I just went on to PayPal's web site, straight to the member log-in page. Right above the log-in form (which was the only real content on the page), was a message in red informing that I had to be logged on to access this page!!

Shurely shome mishtake here, hic.

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# Monday, 23 October 2006

Who needs a truck?

My good friend Yosef Cazes sent me a lovely collection of pictures that shows how resourceful you can be when you need to!!

Enjoy :-)

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# Thursday, 05 October 2006

How to waste the entire day

I blame my brother. Having wasted too much of the day at www.youtube.com, he then sent me a link to an amazingly addicitve puzzle at Funny City. I defy anyone to give up without trying!! The rest of the site had some good stuff as well.

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Magic Roundabout

I just discovered YouTube, a site that has loads of user-uploaded videos. It includes the now-legendary opening sequence from the Magic Roundabout (the original, not the more recent films), as well as a full episode. Unfortunately, this isn't one of the Eric Thompson episodes, so lacks the dry humour for which he was so famous, but it's better than nothing!!


Let's be honest, it's what the Internet was invented for really :-)

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