# Friday, 20 July 2007

Beware of the penguins

I just love this picture!

penguins and polar bear

Whilst we're on the subject of polar bears, anyone care to dance?

Fancy a dance?
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Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors... everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. There was fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

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# Thursday, 19 July 2007

Levels of alert in various European countries

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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# Wednesday, 04 July 2007

An Israeli Tourist in London

An Israeli recently arrived at London's Heathrow airport. As he went through passport control, the customs officer asked him, "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replied "No, just visiting!"

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# Tuesday, 03 July 2007

The computer swallowed grandma - a poem

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely! ,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

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# Monday, 02 July 2007

A very wise observation

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
H.L. Mencken, 1880-1956

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# Monday, 25 June 2007

Argus Hamilton on Britain's role in the war

"Thank G-d Mother England is with us on this venture. She may not have a very large army, but she's got four million soccer fans no nation wants to face."

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Foreigners eh, what do they know?

Whilst tidying my desk (which was last done sometime around the Crimean War judging by the amount of rubbish piled up on it), I came across these gems that had been gathered from around the world...

On a packet of convenience food from Italy: "Besmear a backing pan previously buttered with a good tomato sauce, and after, dispose the cannelloni, lightly distanced between them in only a couch."

Erm, we couldn't have explained it better ourselves! Or could we? Just be glad you didn't encounter this one...

Warning to motorists in Tokyo: When a passenger of the foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passge, then tootle him with vigour."

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# Thursday, 21 June 2007

Simcha soup

Boy did I get into trouble over this picture!

Mind you, it was nothing compared to the trouble I got in when I put Chana Liba in the fish tank!

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# Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Our 15th wedding anniversary

It is our 15th wedding anniversary today! Hard to believe it, but she really has put up with me for that long!

To mark this historic occasion, I decided it would be nice to buy the Mrs a new pair of candlesticks for Shabbos. The ones she has are old brass ones that were passed down from my great-grandmother. Whilst there is a certain sentimental value to them, they are looking a little past their sell-by date, and one of them leaks wax quite badly.

So, off to the shops I went, with my 50p in my hand. Hmm, it seems that candlesticks cost a bit more than that! I had to spend nearly 80p on her! Good job I like her eh?

Anyway, after breakfast, we had an official presentation. As you can see, Chana Liba did the honours by handing over the present...

Carefully watched by Eliyohu, she opened the package, and was (thankfully) pleasantly surprised by the contents...

Spot the happy Mummy! Good job you can't see the tears in her eyes!

When it was all over bar the soppy bits, it was time for a family picture. For obvious technical reasons (as I haven't worked out how to use the timer on my camera yet), I could not be behind the camera and in front of it at the same time (as I haven't mastered faster-than-light travel yet), so I'm thankfully not in this picture. Those of you with strong stomachs can imagine what it would be like with me in...

Well, that's it for another 15 years. Better get saving.

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