# Thursday, 15 October 2009

Chaya Devoira on a swing

Had to share this picture. We went to Clifton Country Park the other day, and Chaya Devoira had a go on a swing. Apparently this was the funniest thing since Auntie Mabel got her string bag caught in the revolving doors, and spent the day doing the waltz!

Chaya Devoira on a swing

As she swung backwards and forwards, she kept laughing heartily. The above picture shows her mid-laugh.

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# Tuesday, 29 September 2009

My boys the builders

Well, to be honest I had higher aspirations for them, but I suppose it could have been worse!

Smile Gemach world headquarters is currently undergoing some expansion, which involves lots of chaps with names like Mike and Steve carrying bricks and wood around the remnants of our once-proud garden (currently a very impressive mud patch). As the walls have risen from the mud, our boys (and in truth, all the boys in the courtyard) have watched with great interest, analysing every new development.

Predictably, they wanted a go at laying bricks. I had a word with the head brickie, who seemed quite happy about the idea. And so, some 20 feet up in the air, we present Mr Aryeh Yehuda Silver, renowned talmid chochum and bricklayer in action...

Aryeh Yehuda lays some bricks

From left to right, you can see him mixing the cement, laying the brick and finally checking to see if it’s straight (aided by one of the Steves). Amazingly enough, he didn’t get his clothes dirty doing this!

Not wanting to be left out, ace apprentice, Mr Eliyohu Silver decided he also wanted to lay a brick, resulting in...

Eliyohu lays some bricks

Again, from left to right, he applied cement to the brick, checked it for being straight, and then whacked it with the trowel to move it into place.

Given that these bricks are part of our extension, I sure hope they did a good job! To my surprise, and their delight, the head brickie asked if they would like to do one of the red bricks. He said they could do one of the last ones. Aryeh Yehuda is already planning an even hapina ceremony :-)

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# Monday, 07 September 2009

Chaya Devoira’s first birthday

Amazingly enough, a year has passed since Chaya Devoira was born. In many respects the time has flown by, and it’s hard to believe she’s one already. Having said that, it’s been a long year!

Before I start waffling (common habit, as the regular reader of this blog will know), here is a picture of Chaya Devoira cutting her birthday cake...

Chaya Devoira cutting her birthday cake

Just before I clicked the button, she was actually looking at the cake, and could even have appeared to be interested in cutting it. Unfortunately, she got distracted by some interesting air molecules to her right, and that was that.

Her interest was soon rekindled when the Boss shoved some cake in her mouth though :)

The crown was made by the people in her school, and she wore it pretty much the whole day. For those curious, she does go to school, although only for two hours, three times a week. The school is for children with special needs, and they do all sorts of interesting and clever things with Chaya Devoira, including the obvious physiotherapy and speech therapy (which at this age is more to do with eating and drinking than speaking, but it all works towards the same goal), to the less obvious hydrotherapy (floating around in a bathtub) and weird massages in a multi-sensory room. This involves rubbing her down with a scouring pad, whilst pretty lights flash on and off!

We interrupt this drivel for a cute birthday picture...

Chaya Devoira cutting her birthday cake

Reflecting on the past year, we have learnt a lot, and grown a lot. Chaya Devoira has brought a lot of Simcha into our lives, as well as helping us get in touch with our own selves a lot more than we did before. We went through some emotional rollercoaster rides with her, but Boruch Hashem, we seem to have come out on top.

Happy birthday Chaya Devoira, we look forward to many more years of your smiles. I could write a lot more, but I think I might get a bit emotional for the generally irreverent tone of this blog!

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# Tuesday, 01 September 2009

Ellul recall notice

Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."

Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy

The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Hashem, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required.

The number to call in for repair in all areas is: PRAYER.

Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Hashem, into the "heart" component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.

WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.

Thank you for your immediate attention.

Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.

Have an uplifting Chodesh Elul!

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# Wednesday, 26 August 2009

One Sunday afternoon on Dartmoor (what REALLY happened!)

For those with loads of free time on their hands, and a high boredom threshold, we present the latest Smile Gemach fab report for the Daily prune...

As usual, please click the small triangle at the bottom left of the video above to play it.

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# Tuesday, 25 August 2009

A letter to Mum

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, “Mum.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren .

Love, your son, Nicholas.

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home

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# Monday, 24 August 2009

Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science: (Gv)

Note: If you’ve read the Dull Men’s Club post, then this is the age-old joke that was mentioned at the beginning of it. I know it’s old, but it’s pretty good all the same. There are a few variations going around, but this one seems to be the most comprehensive.

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons...

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron's promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Dull Men’s Club

I was just sent a brand new, up-to-the-minute joke e-mail, and wanted to check if it was decades old as I suspected, or merely just a few years old instead. Whilst wasting more time than I have available, I came across one of the best web sites I’ve seen in a long time. The Dull Men’s Club is dedicated to all things dull and ordinary, and is well worth spending a few hours reading.

Amongst some of the prime content, is a page dedicated to dull collections and museums. This info and links for some museums that you would never have believed existed. My favourite is the (apparently) World Famous Asphalt Museum, which contains samples of asphalt from all over the world!

Even better is the amazingly useful list of airport luggage carousels, which lists loads of luggage carousels around the world and - sit down before reading this – tells you which way they rotate! I can’t believe I’ve been on this planet for so long and lived without this information!

The web was made for this kind of site!

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# Sunday, 26 July 2009

Four little girls

The Boss had just finished feeding Chaya Devoira, and Simcha wanted a cuddle. Chana Liba came in to ask something, and jumped on the bed to join them. Within seconds, Shayna Brocho came looking for Chana Liba, spotted what was going on and joined in. The result? Four little girls bli ayin horo...

Four little girls

Chaya Devoira looks a little surprised, but given that she had just finished a good feed, and was expecting to settle down for a quiet cuddle, who can blame her?

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Fun things to do with a leek – and you can eat them as well!

some leeks todayChana Liba was looking in the fridge for some fruit just now. Obviously confused, she asked “Hey, what’s that?

What’s what?” I replied (yeah, we have very deep conversations in our house!)

That big green thing that’s white on the end” she replied.

With all the intuition of a mother, I replied “It’s a leek.” (Shakespeare would have been sooooo jealous of dialogue like this :-))

As she was still looking rather blank, I asked “Do you know what it’s for?” which elicited a slow shake of the head.

I went over to the fridge, and removed the rather oversized leek from the shelf. Holding it carefully at the white end, I proceeded to thwack her gently on the tochus several times, whilst explaining that this was what a leek was for.

For some odd reason, this turned out to be the funniest thing she had experienced for some time, and she burst into uncontrollable fits of giggles. This of course encouraged me even more, and so began the Great Smile Gemach Leek Thwacking Event.

I chased her around the house, thwacking her whenever I could, whilst she tried (not very hard) to escape. After I was all puffed out, she grabbed the leek and started thwacking me! Shayna Brocho, not wishing to be outdone, grabbed it off her and started thwacking both of us. Simcha, not quite sure what the fun was all about, but not wishing to miss a moment, came hurtling down the hall after us, and the four of us ended up running around the house, and outside into the courtyard. Thwacking a few surprised-looking small children along the way, we made our way around the courtyard and back into the house, taking turns to grab the leek and get thwacking.

This went on for some time, until we all finally ran out of breath and flopped back in our chairs (we were supposed to be eating at this time). The leek, looking somewhat worse for the experience, went back into the fridge, and would have remained there, except that Shayna Brocho decided it was time for some more thwacking! She grabbed it and started bashing me over the bonce with it. This of course started the whole thing off again, resulting in several more rounds of leek thwacking.

By this time, several sections of leek had become somewhat detached from their original place of repose, and were used as secondary thwackers by those not in charge of the main instrument of thwackeration. This allowed Mummy and Nechoma Bryna to fall victim to the Zealous Leek Thwackers of Salford (or the Zltos as they didn’t become known).

Maybe this wasn’t what Hashem had in mind when He invented the leek, but it’s rare that four people can have so much fun for 70p! Visit your local supermarket and enquire about large sized leeks, you won’t regret it :-)

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